


No Death in Life, No Peace in Turmoil

by deadly_tues_days



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Depowered Kurosaki Ichigo, Depressed Kurosaki Ichigo, Gen, Hurt Kurosaki Ichigo, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Aizen Sousuke, Post-Winter War (Bleach)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26659831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadly_tues_days/pseuds/deadly_tues_days
Summary: He cried in front of someone, though Tensa Zangetsu was about as much of a person as Kon, for the second time since he learned the name of the attack that would lead to his demise. He cried, for his halcyon days were long gone.Written for Bleach Big Bang Bing 3.
Relationships: Hirako Shinji & Kurosaki Ichigo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20
Collections: Bleach Big Bang - Bing Challenge #03 - Sep. 25. 2021





	No Death in Life, No Peace in Turmoil

He cried in front of someone, though Tensa Zangetsu was about as much of a person as Kon, for the second time since he learned the name of the attack that would lead to his demise. He cried, for his halcyon days were long gone.

Death wasn’t exactly ideal to most, but it was the only thing that kept Ichigo alive. At least partially alive, partially dead as well, aside from the couple of times he actually did manage to die, once underneath Las Noches’ fabricated sky, and the other subject to the darkness that consistently encompassed Hueco Mundo, and eventually managed to swallow him as well. Death, permanent death, was something he wasn’t allowed to fear, and maybe that’s what won the war. His desire to protect, even at the cost of his life, in order to supply those around him with a peaceful, peaceful aside from late night hollow hunting, life. Kurosaki was now permitted to thrive in the very much human fear of death, though he couldn’t bring himself to do so, due to his installment of peace that might’ve gone too far. It was peaceful, certainly halcyon for those aside from him, after all they got resolution. He, however, was stuck with life, complete, impartial life, that he’d come to realize was far from what he truly needed, even if he denied his longing for power during his first few days serving as Rukia’s stand in.

At first, it was a feeling of longing. Longing for death that he could have if it wasn’t for what lay in wait on the other side. Longing for everything he lost, his inter-dimensional friends that didn’t provide as much as a ‘thank you,’ and longing for what those around him had, though it didn’t take long for Kurosaki to distance himself from his overly sympathetic human friends.. There was never an in between, and Ichigo was well aware he was being finicky, but there was nothing to stop how he felt. He needed them to firmly believe he was alright, he had to be strong, and by whatever god Aizen was hellbent on killing he wanted to be alright, yet he dreaded the ignorance those in the Soul Society already provided. He needed them to understand without him saying a word. It was wish Kurosaki knew was impossible, and he couldn’t blame them for stopping after a few weeks of absolutely nothing from him. He didn’t want them to stop, maybe they didn’t stop completely, but the pitiful glances from Uryu were becoming less, and less frequent.

After a couple months of quite literally wandering around for nothing much seemed worth it, not even school, but his grades didn’t drop, leaving the question of who was still set on helping him, anger entered the picture. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, except for this time the anger wasn’t directed completely at himself, or a part of himself, not that his hollow was still around to subjugate Ichigo to his pissy attitude. At first, he was angry at Aizen, the madman being the only person Kurosaki was willing to throw under the bus, then everything exploded. He was pissed with the Soul Society for abandoning him without a second thought, for his former hollow hunting partners giving up on him despite his prior commitment to them, for his spiritually aware friends victimizing themselves only to draw out a painful explanation that Ichigo couldn’t bring himself to give. He was mad at Kisuke, who had done everything to keep him from being where he was now, for offering no such help, he was mad at the Vizards, the people who had suffered just as much as himself at the hands of Aizen, and willingly took him in despite his affiliation with those who wronged them, for luring him in as family, and spitting him right back out. He was infuriated, he was hurt by those he trusted, yet the only person he could truly say he hated was himself.

Ichigo was alone, and after seven months, he couldn’t take it. He had to make them understand, and he had to understand them as well. He had to ask one question, he had to know why. So he walked. He walked, and he made it there in less than twenty minutes, only a fraction of the time he suspected it would take, it having been so long. He walked without looking back, nor looking where he was going. He had walked, and in less than half an hour, he was there. There wasn’t a door, not that he needed to knock. They were supposed to know who it was. They were supposed to feel him. Kurosaki at least wanted them to feel him, if not only to show he still had an inkling what he threw away left, then to force him to speak, to ask why. Shinji’s presence had no such effect, though. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t scream, couldn’t move, couldn’t blame him, but he could cry, and so he did. He cried in front of someone, though Tensa Zangetsu was about as much of a person as Kon, for the second time since he learned the name of the attack that would lead to his demise. He cried, for his halcyon days were long gone.

**Author's Note:**

> so happy to be able to participate in the third bing for the bleach big bang! his is my first bing, as well as my first bang, and im thrilled! i hope this made you guys have to wipe your eyes a bit. this is definitely one of my favourite time periods to look into considering ichigo’s mental health was completely glossed over. hope you enjoy! and as every author says, comments are always appreciated- xoxo


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